Ok… today is Oscar night! Where glamour, glitz and more glamour meet under the Hollywood heat. It’s going to be quite a fun night, but when you actually watch it, it’s just a sea of “I’d Like To Thank The Weinsteins”. And even worse, I’m tweeting from @neonnettle through after hours and possibly missing my French lesson for this! So, in the spirit, here’s a cheat sheet of what you will expect at the Oscars.
Jennifer Lawrence doing what she’s most famous for doing – eating.
Aah… we have got some bright stars nominated this year. Jennifer Lawrence will continue to be Just Like You. Jennifer, ever since that cash cow that Lionsgate is calling “The Hunger Games” has been in her presence, has been the lady who has been saying that being a bit fat is beautiful and she likes to be Just Like You Too. She’s been nominated for Supporting Actress playing 70s Mob Chick Or Something in American Hustle.
Stunning.
Also nominated for Supporting Actress is The Beautiful, Lupita N’Yongo. This is The Beautiful, Lupita’s debut performance in the states, and the fact you can rub her bald head and she can give us a thousand watts of her smile and bring world peace to this world because she is The Beautiful, Lupita N’Yongo is saying something. Not only that, The Beautiful, Lupita Woke Up Like This, so her beauty is eternal. Also, because she is playing a slave, she un-ironically gets her boobs out in this performance. Way to delve in.
Not shown: Brad Pitt yodelling
Speaking of 12 Years A Slave actors whose names you can’t pronounce, Chiwetel Eyjafjallajökull And A Partridge In A Pear Tree is being nominated for Actor as The Man Who Spent 12 Years A Slave. He, unlike The Beautiful, Lupita, is not that Beautiful, unless you count Kinky Boots. No, I didn’t know it was him either. It’s been nine years, guys. Also nominated for this movie is Brad Pitt.
You know he’ll narrowly miss out.
Also nominated is The Criminally Robbed, Leo DiCaprio. Ever since Titanic… no, Gilbert Grape… no, Critters 2, he’s been A Hearthrob and has been nominated for Actor because he’s in his umpteenth Scorsese movie, “The Fuckin Wolf Of Fuckin Wall Fuckin Street, Motherfucker”. Skinny Jonah Hill has been nominated for Supporting Actor for the same movie, but that’s because he’s skinny.
Never forget.
Oh, Dallas Buyers Club. One of two leading factors for the so-called “McConaugheissance”, and will possibly make Jared Leto a runway Oscar winner. Yeah, Jordan Catalano. Yeah, the guy from 30 Seconds To Mars, Oscar Winner. I can’t believe it, but he’s playing a sassy, transgender woman, so the bodily change will give him props. Same with Christian Bale in American Hustle.
L: Sandra, 2012. R: Sigourney, 1979. LOOK. NO DIFFERENCE.
Gravity… um… like it’s 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock riding through zero gravity in a tank top and knickers. So Alien without the aliens and with George Clooney then? Mind you, I haven’t seen any of the movies this year.
I swear the whole movie is Joaquin looking like this while Siri Johansen does Daisy.
Her won’t get nominated for anything noteworthy. It’s a movie, and it’s solid, but not good enough to beat 12 Years A Slave or Fucking Fuck Fuck Fuck. And Joaquin Phoenix hates the Oscars anyway.
who the hell is cate blanched almonds
Blue Jasmine will get script at least, but I’ll forever remember this movie as the Woody Allen movie with Andrew Dice Clay in. No, not Cate Blanchett. Andrew Dice Clay.
I still haven’t seen this movie and I can already tell it’s a better Steve Coogan movie released in 2013 than the mess that is Philomena.
And why the hell did Philomena, the British mess that was a joke from the start, get nominated for bloody anything? Like even my Dad knew it was a total joke. We did not need it. It’ll get forgotten in the next few days after this.
Ellen’s Oscar outfit for today.
Ellen DeGeneres is hosting tonight. Expect dancing, awk-ness and more dancing. She’s cool. She’ll give everyone a good air. Hopefully, Seth MacFarlane would not appear and start singing “Ellen DeGeneres, we saw your boobs in If These Walls Could Talk 2”. We don’t need that.
Harold Ramis had both till he got fat.
The In Memoriam part, you will cry. Phillip Seymour Hoffman will be shown as a smiling fat man who has great talent. Peter O’Toole as a skinny charmer who has great talent. Shirley Temple will be shown singing On The Good Ship Lollypop, I guarantee it. Paul Walker will be omitted because he has little talent and was in a franchise movie. Then again, so was Phillip.
Also confirmed to attend are Angelina Jolie (who WILL steal the show with her big red lips and mastectomy, and will bring waves of sultriness to kill The Beautiful, Lupita), Biddlydiddly Cottonbottoms (man who sucked on a lemon and became an overrated teen heartthrob), Sidney Poitier (old black man who was the Denzel of the 50s), Michael B Jordan (young black man whom is going to be the Denzel of the 20s), The African Queen, Whoopi Goldberg (the pre-The Beautiful, Lupita), Kim Novak (old and senile), Jamie “Butt Out Jeans” Foxx, Goldie Hawn (who probably has a prolapsed vagina), Jason Sudeikis (Olivia Wilde’s baby daddy), and Sally Field (wut). As well as Jessica Biel, John Travolta, Rob De Niro, Zac Efron, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron (also stunning), Anne Hathaway, Kerry Washington’s baby, Christoph Waltz, Daniel Day Lewis, Will Smith, Bill Murray, Jim Carrey, that black chick Viola and Kristin Bell. Performing will be some hipsters, Idina Menzel, Bette Midler and U2. And afterwards would be all the parties, including The Vanity Fair one (where The Beautiful, Lupita is a dead cert to attend, and so will Jessica Chastain out of thin air) and the Elton John one (where Michael B will say “Hey” then hop over to the Vanity Fair one.
As for everything else, I’ve stopped watching Looking (L) and started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Thank god they got Kelly out. She was boooooring. Could have been like Willam 2.0 but was too lacklustre to be like Willam. Totally.
lyla becoming a woman 